Apologizing

It's Wednesday, 30 July 2014 and I am flying from Raleigh, NC to Richmond, VA.  By way of Boston.  Ahhh...the luxury of time combined with paying the least amount for the airfare :-) Richmond is my hometown and I have not been back for a long visit for 11 years.

Anywho...the flight gives me time to process an apology I want to give for something that happened today.  A written apology I received a few months ago.  An apology I want to receive for something that happened two days ago, yet has not been given.

The first has me wonder 'do I need to apologize?'  The second 'somehow the apology does not feel like one, what's missing?'  The third 'how do I tell the person that what they did hurt?'

I have an audiobook on apologies and how to experience healing in all our relationships (5 Languages Of Apology by Gary Chapman).  Off and on I listen to the audiobook.  As I process through the feelings from the three situations.  As I stare out the airplane window at the clouds there.  Noticing how I defend what I did or said.  Or defend the other person's actions or reactions.  Or tell myself to just let it go.

The audiobook is helpful as I realize Sincerity and Authenticity are key to a successful apology.  And this is not so easy since what is Sincere and Authentic for me as I apologize may not be perceived as Sincere and Authentic by the one receiving the apology.

Plus I definitely need to practice apologizing since I admit...saying I am wrong....I am sorry...I will try not to do that again...What can I do to make this right? is at times difficult.  And difficult for me to admit it.  LOL LOL ... perhaps that is the reason Source is putting these situations before me....so I can practice!  Source, you are too funny!

Now it is Friday, 15 August 2014 and I can finish this post.  Where was I?  Ahhhh yes,  five ways an apology can be given...

1--expressing regret for the offense

2--accepting responsibility for one's actions, including failures, mistakes,

3--making restitution, making things right.

4--genuinely repenting

5--requesting forgiveness

And these three questions from the audiobook helped me figure out my three situations:

--What do I expect the person to say or do that would make it possible for me to genuinely forgive him/her?  And which one of the five ways is the most important if I could only have one?

--What hurts me most deeply about this situation?

--When I apologize to others, which of these five ways do I think is most important?

In the first situation, yes, I want to apologize.  And I have.  I feel our relationship has deepened.

In the second situation, the apology was negated by the blame that immediately followed the apology.  This one I decided not to do anything with because I make-up that it will not matter.  When I look deeper into myself, I do not want to invest time and energy into a relationship where the person defends their behavior by blaming me.

In the third, how else would the person know the impact of his/her actions unless I say I was hurt!  So I mustered up my courage because this relationship means a lot to me and said how I felt. And the person did not know the impact.  A genuine and sincere apology was offered.  I feel our relationship is deepened.

This poem I wrote comes to mind....

Moment by moment.

Interaction by interaction.

Builds connection.

Diminishes connection.

Which do I choose?

Interaction by interaction.

Moment by moment.